...even the kitchen sink... - Let the Son Shine

...even the kitchen sink... 12/03/2009

a candid peek at me

I cried over tomatoes yesterday. Tomatoes.

If I were pregnant, that might actually be cute, but I'm not--and it's not. Truly, had God not made it beautiful, the following story would be quite an ugly one.

Everything wanted to break apart and I was convinced that I was trying all I could to keep things together. Retrospect {we have a love/hate relationship} revealed the sad fact that all I really did was sit in the funk that had been brewing for weeks.

In a perfectly imperfect storm of self-pity, self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-reliance, I bought into the notion that a lack of affirmation from the outside world meant that I was in the wrong line of work...the wrong line of life.

Who am I kidding trying to homeschool my kids? Writing? Me? About God? Really? Why am I surprised by my girlfriendlessness? Hadn't I pushed them all away with my weirdness and boringness? Besides, didn't I know they never really liked me anyway? Why get out of jammies when all I want is to get back in bed anyway? Why not just stop pretending anyone will notice if you delete the blog and slink out of the online world as well?

All of these accusations and condemnations were constantly repeating and nearly defeating the rational and spiritual thoughts that would crop up in defense of Truth. Still, I held it together. Somehow not crying was holding it together and that worked until it didn't work anymore.

You should know that my kitchen faucet has been broken for months. Okay, maybe know one should know that...still...it is important to the story that I share it all...even the kitchen sink. Broken, but perfectly usable, I might add. See, the faucet has broken several times and we're redoing the whole room soon and I just refuse to replace that sucker again. Then last week I tried to fix it and somehow made it worse...I'm awesome that way.

Now what remains of the spout itself is the hose that was once inside. A chip-clip is all that keeps it from sliding into itself. Oh man. Did I just share the sink story? Moving on...

As I prepared dinner last night, I reached over to adjust the remnants of my sad little faucet. Without thinking, I simply let go of the hose and watched in horror as it quickly vanished down into whatever you'd call what's left of the spout-a-majig. Horror.

The horror faded immediately into shock over my not having unleashed my inner sailor in said moment of horror. Once the shock and awe of it all were gone, what remained was that same sense of failure that had been threatening to drag me under all day.

How stupid can I get? What other issues will I create for my husband to come home to, I mean the house is trashed and I'm in jammies, and the kids...are somewhere around here, right? Wow, way to waste the day and coast through parenting. Just try not to become the first person in history to burn soup. Think you can manage that?

Then it happened. You know...it. That final whatever-it-takes to crush any hopes you had of coasting through a bad day instead of dealing with what is making it so bad. My it just happened to be tomatoes. After mindlessly beginning to pour the juice from a can of tomatoes down the sink instead of into the pot of soup I was dangerously attempting, I broke down sobbing.

Dare I cut the potatoes? I mean, I can't even pour right, and I want to wield a knife?
What am I good for?

Well, the night continued and the soup was pretty tasty, and I was laughing at myself before too long. Then bath time rolled around and as my daughter splashed about with her little ponies, I opened my Bible and flipped to a random devotional. As I read the Scripture that particular writing focused on, God swooped in and faded the day away. Affirmation that
I am answering His call flowed from the pages. Each syllable overflowed with grace as my Father revealed that I am studying His Word in His time and that's simply perfection.
The ink dripped with the atoning blood of Christ, healing my heartache as only the Hope
of Salvation can. No amount of girlfriends would ever come close to filling the role quite like Jesus does.

Just the day prior to reading this "random" passage, I had been studying in that 11 week Daniel study that I've been beating myself up over. Taking 3 times as long to complete it when I know God wants to use it for the next chapter in the book has been an ongoing source of guilt. It's important you know the focus of the previous day's study had been Daniel 9:1-3, which says, "In the first year of Darius son of Ahasuerus, by birth a Mede, who became king over the realm of the Chaldeans-- in the first year of his reign, I, Daniel, perceived in the books the number of years that, according to the word of the LORD to the prophet Jeremiah, must be fulfilled for the devastation of Jerusalem, namely, seventy years. Then I turned to the Lord God, to seek an answer by prayer and supplication with fasting and sackcloth and ashes" (NRSV).

With all of my far too lengthy and ever wordy back story in mind, take a look at the passage of Scripture that our sweet Lord placed before me once I came to Him after having spent the day wrestling demons on my own.

"For thus says the LORD: Only when Babylon's seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile" (Jeremiah 29:10-14, NRSV).

Even in all my wordiness, I can't explain all God said to me through this gift in Scripture, but I hope I've said enough to convey the point. The very words of prophecy Daniel spoke about were the same words God used to say so many things that aren't on the page. Words spoken straight to my spirit from His, written in invisible ink that only the pen of Salvation can reveal!

What secret message is the Lord waiting for you to discover in His Word?
Got your pen handy?
Tell me all about it girlfriend! I'm dying to know what our Father's up to in your life!

Comments

Christina Ketchum

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 4:29:06 pm

You have totally blessed me with this post! It is so relieving to know that even people who I assume are perfect (yep, you) go through the same crud that I do. But I also think that writers, such as you, have an extra demon to deal with. Perhaps because your writings have the potential of reaching thousands. I think God has a special angel watching over writers and they are huge with names like Bif and Bubba. :)

-C

Joye

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 4:57:25 pm

I can't tell you how much you have ministered to me through your honesty and your willingness to let God speak to you through it all--even tomatoes. Those words in Daniel, though we've all read them countless times, spoke straight to my heart right now and pierced me as only His sword can.

And from a mommy who lives in pajamas and battles all those doubts daily, thank you dear sister!!

Victoria

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 6:09:02 pm

I can't tell you both how grateful I am that God sent you here to encourage me! I am miles from perfect and most days I feel pressured to hide that fact. I expected to be nervous and even prepared myself for rejection a tad...and instead our Father gave me peace and love! Go figure...

As a special thank you and further evidence of my utter imperfection...click on the pic of me up top. I've linked it to a bigger image to really show off my 3 inch gray roots! =P

Christy

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 9:09:21 pm

This is beautiful. It's real. It's authentic and raw.

I love it. Some days it feels like you are the only one who messes up and wonder why you are here...it's nice to know others feel the same way.

Sending you big HUGS.

Kristen

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:55:58 am

I'll be your girl friend! Wish we lived closer so that I could come over and make the soup for you! ;)

Your honest and real and everything the Lord uses to make a difference in this place.

It's hard being an eternal treasure in a temporal place.

We were meant for more.

We'll get there, girl. We'll get there.

alisa

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 1:22:44 am

Isn't God so good like that?! I love when God talks to me so sweetly when I'm having a crummy day!

Thanks for your beautiful post. I love how you wove in your internal struggle into this piece!

Your opening line is killer! You had me at "Tomatoes."

Victoria

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 8:07:55 am

It really was just a crummy, I'm the only loser sort of day. It is so easy to forget that even the fleeting nature of a rotten day is worth taking to the Throne!

As Bif, Bubba, and I face the next bad day, we'll have these words of love in our back pockets!

"His Sword can."

"This is beautiful."

"It's hard being an eternal treasure in a temporal place."

"You had me at 'Tomatoes'."

Thank you all so much for being here for me and loving my gunk!

Ali

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:17:22 am

Oh sister....I love that HIS word can always encourage us in just the ways we are needing.....those "tomato", something else broke, jammie moments!

I keep putting egg shells down the garbage disposal and clogging it up. David has had to keep completely taking it apart and cleaning it out. Talk about scatter brained!

Good thing we have a never ending bowl of grace and love from our awesome Creator to see us through days like these! Love you!

Victoria

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:29:43 am

Ali, our talk that day helped me shift from my buns to cooking that dinner...so thanks for helping me find my way to those tomatoes! I'm positive your prayers had something to do with God healing my momentary blindness!

Rachel

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 9:59:10 pm

Thank you so much for this post. It's like you cracked open my head and sifted through the thoughts that swim around in there so much. You blessed me today!

Victoria

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 10:49:24 am

I am just more and more blessed by each one of you SonShines that takes a second to say, "Me too!". Thank you!