Reuniting with My Father 01/22/2010
 Insanely picture perfect photo, isn't it? My favorite snapshot of my parents, hands down. Of course, I only have a handful to choose from, being as they separated when I was five or so. As a young girl, such moments worth capturing in time were my only glimpses of their marriage, which made it all the more difficult to understand why they didn't make it. It wasn't until shortly after my sixteenth birthday that it finally became real for me. Somewhere between my mother's misery and my father's absence and continued profession of love for my mother, I connected imaginary dots that pointed to a reunion. I can remember riding in the backseat of various cars, at various times, my eyes fixed on the sky. My dad, arms opened wide, was waiting for me in a continual fantasy just beyond the clouds. I would stare through the blue and fluffy white until I found him. We'd smile so big that our cheeks hurt and as he knelt on one knee, I'd run to him just as fast as I could. Lifting me in the air, we'd spin and grin and then hug a hug filled with all the love we had. Of course, there came a day when that dream faded and in its place grew Parent Trap-esque notions of how to heal this broken marriage--this broken home. It was surely a simple misunderstanding or an issue of pride and would all be swept away if I just tried hard enough. When I discovered that my parents had never gone through with an actual divorce, I was convinced they were deeply in love and that I could convince them of the same. I was in sixth grade then and had not heard from my father in months. Months became years and the dream didn't fade. Seeing the loving relationships between childhood friends and their daddies made it all the more worth hanging onto. With my father no where to be found and my mother down for the count emotionally, I found love where I could. Innocently enough, love from the parents of a best friend helped for many years. There were two families, in particular, that took me in and loved me to bits and saw something worth loving in me. Church and chores and dinners together and I was loved. For a few years, this kept me feeling worthwhile and special.  After not hearing from my father in five years, he called us shortly after my sixteenth birthday. On his own birthday. That day, my imaginary father died. My hope for family died. As an adult, I've learned the details of their split and I get it. I get the defeat. I get the struggle. I get the misery. I get the bitter resentment. I get the bridges lying in ashy ruins. I get it. What I don't get is how all of that mattered more than the four children they shared. I will never get that. My marriage has survived some ridiculous hardships, not dissimilar from the ones that plagued my parents. I'm not still married simply because I don't give up. No, my marriage is still going because God asks me to give it over and I do. I've stopped wondering why they didn't give their marriage to God, I get that, too. Instead I'm just so thankful to be spared that hopelessness. I give it all over to my real and true and trusted and faithful Father. The one that sent His only Son to save me from despair. To make me special and love me. To meet with me in the sky and spin me round and hug me with all of His might. To wipe away my tears and the heartache of a girl broken by a broken home and mended by the Living God! CommentsFri, 22 Jan 2010 12:00:39 pm I went to my new counselor for the first time yesterday. It was odd. I have major Dad issues and it's odd to think about how my image of God can be shaped by that. It makes me sad. Fri, 22 Jan 2010 3:25:37 pm beautiful!! our views of God are often times shaped by our relationship with our earthly father- i'm so thankful that our heavenly Father is perfect in all His ways Kristen Sat, 23 Jan 2010 1:15:25 am This is heartbreaking & beautiful. What's a cupcake to say? Other than your God & Father loves you -- it is evident. And one day, He'll take you in His arms and whisper it in your ear. Sat, 23 Jan 2010 9:10:49 am The love and consistency we find in our Heavenly father is always with us! Amen! I love your transparency in that it is so beautifully real and so many others can find a connection in and through it. Thanks for sharing this Victoria! Sat, 23 Jan 2010 10:30:17 pm This post brought me to tears yesterday that I couldn't leave a comment. Just beautiful! Mon, 25 Jan 2010 7:52:04 am You women are such a blessing to me! This post was so raw for me as I wrote it and by the end, I felt God had given me a healing I hadn't yet known. Thank you for always being a safe place to fall and for always having a hand out to lift me back up! Tue, 26 Jan 2010 10:50:26 pm Oh, my friend, that is so amazing. I agree with you. There is so much that I do not understand about my parents divorce, but I know that they were probably just as lonely as they looked. Leave a Reply |  
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